Thanks guys and gals
i'd be lying if i said i hadn't thought about a drink, but i'm glad to be sober, to be able to support my family as they're supporting me, to be able to try and deal with the whole confusing jumble of emotions and not hide from them.
The thing is i don't fear death per se - i'm not frightened of dying - i worry it might be painful for a bit but that'd be the case with or without an afterlife.
I think mark twain said it well, about being dead for billions of years before being born and it wasn't an inconvenience then!
The thing that hits me really strongly is the thought that one day someone you love will be gone and you won't see them again. But as harsh as that is to face up to, it's still (to me) a fact, probably the coldest fact about life there is, but one that has to be faced.
I guess this is the first time i've really had to face it - when my grandparents died i did what i did in most emotionally turbulent situations and got very drunk.
She should be fine though.