Aysha

I hope you all dont mind I post this. And I really hope noone gets offended. As I sometimes feel as if I am invading when I post here. I dont know why.
But a thread I read here the other day had me thinking and questioning my grams on how she dealt with me as an addict.

I never asked her how she felt or what ran through her mind all those years of dealing with me and my madness. I finally asked her yesterday.

I read some stuff in this forum on how some of you deal with your addicts and sometimes...I am just in shock.
I know you guys cant do anything to help us. And most definately take care of yourselves first. I agree with that 100%. I dont disagree there.
But some things I have read like setting your addict up. Making things more complicated than they have to be. Or even makin hurtful jokes of certain situations with your addicts when they are trying their best. I guess I just dont get that approach.
I am all for setting bounderies and letting go and letting addicts fall.
But to push the envelope in some ways like above.

Maybe its because I was fortunate enough to have my grams always stand by me. She has loved me unconditionally through it all and has never once judged me, turned her back on me or put me down.
Now that did hurt me more in alot of ways. Because she was a huge enabler.
But at the same time. That same love and comittment to me making it is what kept me from dieing or being a lost cause.
If she would have ever turned her back on me and disconnected from me. I would have lost it for real. I would have gone way further into hopelessness than I ever could imagine.

So it is very double standard for me.
I askes her why she always stood by me. First she said because she didnt want anyone to know her grand daughter was a drug addict. So she would do what she could to hide it. If it meant bailing me out of situations. Than thats what she would do. Then she said because she understands me. And she never wanted me to think I was alone and didnt have anyone. Then she said because she knows I will make it.
She also said she could never bring herself to just throw me away liek I was a piece of garbage.


I guess my point is. How do you seperate love from tough love?

I have read some pretty extreme ways of dealing with addicts here.
But we have extreme ways of doing everything. I know. But I could never imagine having my family turn away from me. Even if I do deserve it.
I am not making excuses. I know it is what you should do. But for some addicts. Its that hope and love that heals us eventually. I would have ended it long ago if my grams nust walked away from me. I wouldnt even care or try.

I thank God everyday for her. She is amazing. And deserves alot better than what I have put her through over the years. And now I am dedicated to making her happy any way possible. I have my days. But who doesnt. None of us are perfect.

I hope you guys dont slam me too bad.
I am just curious to know how some of your ways of dealing with your addict works for you AN them.
I am scared to click the post button. I just know this is going to be taken wrong.