imallright

When I was in the midst of all the drama and simply trying to get through each day, I had no idea what I liked to do and/or what fun would look like. I had lost that. Some of those close to me would say, "you have lost yourself" and I had no idea what they were talking about... of course I had no idea that I mattered or had "a self" to lose at that time.

I would say things like, " I just want to have fun", but I had no idea what fun would look like or what I needed to do to feel good and have fun.

Once I was strong enough to see that it was the insanity surrounding me that was stopping me... I started to try new things. At first, I was alone, at home and didn't know how to get out of my own way. Even though the peace was nice and I didn't miss the anxiety or the chaos, I was overwhelmingly lost and alone. I felt almost as desperate as I did in the midst of the hell I was living, but at least I knew that hell.

I have started to venture out a bit more. Now, less and less I am feeling like "I want to do this, but.... and I am starting to stop "stopping myself" and I am just doing. For me it's about letting go. It's about not worrying about what might happen and starting do and live in the moment. That's difficult when you are constantly worried about what the result or ramifications might be.

Wow... I am rambling. Does this make any sense to others???? I will sy a special thanks to "Cats"... I think you just turned on another lightbulb for me! Thank you all for light and clarity you bring to my life!