Silence to be hurtful
My A showed up yesterday. He said he was having trouble with his truck and needed tools out of the garage. Didn't ask how anyone was or what the kids have been up to or anything. Had been quite a few weeks since he had even seen the kids. I talked to him on the phone one day to get him to switch the bills into my name. (Can you believe the phone and electric company still need his permission even though the judge ordered me to be responsible for them?) The phone conversation that day was quite pleasant. Anyway, yesterday I just didn't want to face him or talk to him. I had just had a talk the day before with the kids about seeing their Dad or talking to him. They seem to have no use for him right now and the hardest part is they say he only comes out when he needs something. Well, anyway he told me he needed to use the tools and I did not respond. I know we should not use silence to be hurtful but I just knew if I said anything it would turn into me yelling and that just has never gotten me anywhere except upset with myself for losing control over my emotions. I would especially like to hear from Gold and Oogly on this matter as you seem to deal with your A's by detaching completely as I had to do. I just feel like grabbing that frying pan everytime I see his face. I feel like he let me down sooo much in OUR marriage and with OUR kids. He said his truck is having heater core problems and all I think of is 16 years ago when I was in labor for a week straight with our first daughter that he left me at the hospital to go work on "some guys" heater core. To this day I don't know who that guy was or why that heater core was more important than me in labor with OUR first child. Of course always drinking while working on cars. I don't think he could work on a vehicle without a beer to ponder the problem. God, I really am rambling today. I just want to be held by someone and share an evening with a GOOD man. I feel at times like I am going to be alone now for the rest of my life because he kind of ruined me on relationships for a while. Probably best because the guys that have asked me out are no better and I won't go out with anyone. I go out with friends but right now just prefer to be with the kids and animals at home. Really enjoy my house and I think him coming over offends me. What nerve to just not care what happens to me and the kids. He has sent a little money but is in arrears already and we have only been divorced since September yet has money for beer and cigarettes and pot.
Well, enough. I feel much better now. Thanks for letting me vent. See why I don't want to open my mouth when I do see him. A lot of it comes off as silly, especially when I read it back.