Old 02-22-2002, 07:08 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
smoke gets in my eyes
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
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Hey Dumps...
You may be an addict, but I feel you have the soul of an anon.

Bless you for loving your wife and wanting her to be well. Bless you for taking steps toward your own recovery. Bless you for wanting to fix it for her.

That's an anon thing. Trying to manage other people's recovery, finances, happiness, you name it. Meeting togetherness seems like a sweet idea... but how honest can you be with the other A's with your wife around? How honest do you think she can be with the anon's if you are there? There's nothing wrong with hitting a couple of meetings to see how the other half lives. The problem with continuing is that you get hung up in living for the other half. You are right. You don't "belong" at alanon meetings. You would be a welcome "guest".

I wanted like crazy for Dino to come to this board. He finally came to a chat, and I realized that my attention was RAPT in what he was experiencing, discovering, thinking, and I wasn't thinking of me or working on me at all. Now that's okay for a chat or two. But continuing in that fashion is absolutely contrary to the idea of 12 step recovery. Anons do not recover by thinking about addiction. They recover by thinking about their self-punishing and self-denying behavior .,,, their controlling behavior. THEIRS, not yours. Not any other addict's. Like her, your recovery cannot be managed by concentrating on ANYONE elses.

A damaged relationship may be your motivation for seeking recovery, but recovery itself is not about your relationship. It's beautiful that there is someone you want to make yourself whole for. But you have to make yourself whole before you have a prayer of making the relationship whole. First things first.

You have done a kind and responsible thing. You let her know where to find help if she wants it. Now, you lil' anon wanna-be, LET GO.

Smoke
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