Venting a bit today, and checking in.
Happy birthday, everyone. You can all be 39 forever if you want, I stopped at 25. Old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.
Feeling a bit stressed out. BF has not called in a couple days, I suspect he may be doing drugs again. I made him really mad a couple days ago, but he's never gone this long without calling. I called and apologized to his voicemail and now I'm going to sit back and wait. I could call his ex or some of his other friends but he was mad that I talked to his ex without him knowing about it anyway, so I think it's best to avoid that. And, it's not really about the money but he owes me a bunch of it (~$4000) thanks to his drug habit (and my own). Every time the subject of my credit card bill (and the fact that I could use a little cash to help pay it) comes up he picks a fight and does not talk to me for a couple of days. The fight is never about money but the pattern has become pretty obvious: basically he picks a fight and refuses to talk to me, I see he won't pay me again this month and figure out a way to pay it, and then he starts being nice again. I doubt he will ever pay me back and have tried to ensure I have ways to pay the bills without his help because I know I can't count on him for that. I'd give up every penny of it to know he was clean and safe, whether we are together or not. I already sort of mentally chalked this debt up to a tough and pricey lesson in what happens when you start doing drugs. Even when I was "loaning" him drug money I knew it was unlikely he would pay me back. I could be a complete b!tch and go sell the stuff in his storage shed for some cash (nice to have a key, eh?) but I really don't want to get that ugly about it. I'd rather just let it-- and if need be, him-- go. *Sigh* I'd really rather not though. He owed me money before and when he tried to get clean last summer he paid back every cent he owed me (which is why I think he's spending his money on drugs rather than paying me back and paying child support to his ex. When he's clean, he gets his debts paid). He's a good guy being ruled by drugs, just like I was and I know there's not much I can do unless he wants his freedom.
A melancholy sort of day...