I think you have probably gently guided her with this:
I talked with her and told her straight out how it was.....it's ok to say something to him about it (she usually doesn't because he is her 'parent' after all). And I told her to no longer arrange your life around him. If it is convenient for you -- it's your choice whether to pick him up or not.
I can relate to how you feel...mess with me, no problem, I'm a big girl and if I can't handle it, I'll figure it out somehow...but mess with my daughter...Mama Bear comes out. I don't like to see it, but I have figured out at least intellectually (not always in my heart) that just like me, she has to learn in her own way and in her own time. I try to remember she has a HP too and when I let go, she and her HP figure things out just fine.
Hugs.