just starting
Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum, and really grateful for it because I think it is really going to help!!! Anyway, I just read Gabe's post from the ACA website. I read it and it sounded really good, it fits with something my sponsor told me yesterday..."you have to become your own loving parent". I understand this logically and it sounds good, but emotionally I can almost not relate to it--it's really a weird feeling when I think about this because there is so much pain for me in this topic that I can actually feel a big block emotionally.
My mom was an abusive alcoholic who drank herself to death when I was 12 years old. It was not uncommon for her to berate me, call me names and threaten my life, her life and my little brother's life. I grew up with letdown after letdown, never really knew at all how to muster self worth, although I did very well with my grades, etc. I have always struggled with feeling completely worthless, even though to look at me most people wouldn't believe it at all (I'm really good at faking being a "normal adult"--but IT IS just faking). I have a really hard time conceptualizing "being kind & gentle with myself" I beat myself to a pulp most of the time in my own mind on a daily basis--it is so instinctual that most of the time I do it without noticing.
I have a seven year old daughter who is the most important person in my life. Despite my own alcoholism and ACOA issues, I have somehow managed to be a mother to a very happy, sweet, smart, amazing little girl. My sponsor said to try and treat myself how I treat her. I can barely even think about this without bursting into tears. Half of me inside tells me I'm not like her, I'm not worth anything, the other half is terribly hurt and furious that anyone could ever treat a child as beautiful as my litte girl as horribly as I was treated when I was little like her. When I think of trying to treat myself (in my mind) kindly I am really really stumped......is this weird or what? I take good care of myself physically, but when it comes to actually being nice to myself I have no clue what to even think about. I feel like this is really robbing me of some happiness and peace. Can anyone relate?
Nicole