SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Breaking down and going to an AA meeting :(

01-25-2009, 11:47 AM

# 9 (permalink)

serenityqueen

Attitude of Gratitude

Join Date: Sep 2007

Location: Dayton, Ohio

Posts: 2,305

Katie, my dear, why the sad face? You seem to be thinking that you have failed or something because you are going to an AA Meeting. I see it as quite the opposite.

What's so bad about walking into a room full of people who have been exactly where you are? It seems to me like some people think that they are walking into a room full of sad stories or people bragging about how much they could drink or feeling like they don't belong. I remember the first meeting I attempted to go to was at a Church, I was 18 years old and had a hangover from hell. I can't tell you how many times I drove into the parking lot, made a big ole circle and pulled back out on the street. I noticed one guy, who I thought was the Priest or something kept watching me out of the corner of his eye. I thought,"Oh, this is friggin' great, I've got Father Holier than Thou here, waiting for me to get out of the car so he can tell me that I'm going to hell." With that, I left.

About a week later, I felt like I had nothing left to loose, I again had another hang over and most of the night before was a huge blur. The blackouts had began already and I was truly scared. I went to the building where the meeting was and was so glad to see that there wasn't any Priests or Nuns waiting for me to save my soul.

I got the courage to walk in, well, in all honesty, I had to pee so bad that I didn't care. After I used the bathroom, I was shaking so bad, too scared to walk back by the room full of "those people," to get to the exit. I slid into the room and sat at the first seat, just inside the doorway so I could bail out as soon as my knees quit knocking and no one was looking. I remember hearing someone say it was a lead meeting, whatever that meant. Ok, someone's going to be leading the Prayers and kumbyahs or something. Then, when I thought that things couldn't have gotten any worse, the guy who I thought was the Priest at the Church the week before stood up and introduced himself by first name and said he was an alcoholic. I was floored.

As this man began telling "his story," I will never forget the feelings that overwhelmed me at that time. This man seemed to be able to find the words to express everything I was feeling at that time in my life. How could this guy, who was about 50 years old and looked as though he had never been daring enough to drink his coffee black was sharing how his drinking had left him homeless and penniless. He ended up spending several years in prison for armed robbery in a blackout. But here he was, standing there, able to own all of his $hit and be happy. Ok, what's he doing, some good dope now? NOPE!

He had just celebrated 15 years in Recovery. At that minute I knew I wanted what he had. No matter how much I tried to act like the reason my eyes were watering was because I had an eyelash in my eye, I had to admit to myself that I was experiencing something I had never felt before in my life.

A sense of belonging.

Please don't look at going to a Meeting as some kind of failure on your part. It's quite the opposite. You are going to meet people just like us here on SR who are able to be there for you every step of the way on your journey.

In this case, being a quitter is making you a winner.

Just remember, take with you what you find helpful and leave the rest. You're not going to agree with everyone, but many of the things you hear will be of benefit to you.

God Bless,
Judy