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Old 10-22-2001, 11:18 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
SKEPTICAL
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Right again, of course. He is definitely from the planet oblivion. I have in the past two weeks tried to spell out what I want from him without accusing him of doing anything wrong or causing him to feel defensive. He has been totally responsive. I told him I want to be more social with other people and I want to go out and not just sit home every single night so he can drink. He was very understanding and receptive but also confused. He doesn't understand why I would go hang out with other people if he is sober. I said I would love to hang out with him if he is up for doing new things but that I need friends and family around me. He isn't like that, he is a loner who doesn't like socializing except once in a rare moment in time. I have tried to explain it to him and he has tried to understand but like most men, he just doesn't understand. Anyhow, I told him he doesn't have to understand why I need friends and family, he just has to allow me to have them. He agrees, but its when I go to do something that he gets confused. For example, I had a day off a few weeks ago and he didn't. I made plans to go hiking with a male friend from work. My husband went ahead and took the day off and told me he wanted to spend it with me alone. When I got upset and said I can't revolve my plans around him he questioned my motives for "preferring" the company of this friend of mine. I tried to explain the point isn't whose company I prefer, its being able to make plans without him being able to change them. I learned this was my fault because what I should have done is spent the day with my friends regardless rather than altering my day to appease my possessive husband. So... that being said, we talk all the time, but I am ready for putting these things into practice. This goes back to my three years. I am thinking I played a part in the power he has over the decisions I make because I allowed him to decide. Thus I think that if I spend equal time re-training him that he cannot make these decisions, we may have a chance. The thing that scares me is that we don't have a sober relationship... we never have. We met in college when I was working 40 hours a week and going to school full-time. My work shift would get out at midnight weekdays and 2 am weekends. I would go to his house after work and we would have some drinks and talk and talk and talk until the sun came up. We never ever went on a real date. After several months of this we graduated and I moved in with his parents in Boston for a lot of reasons... mainly financial. We lived there over a year, I rode into the city for work everyday with his parents and when we got home we had a family dinner. My husband and I would go out after dinner and have some drinks and talk about our day and our stresses and what not. we didn't go to dinner because we just ate and we didn't go to movies because we wanted to talk. We were married while we lived there. Now we live together and work 9-5 but we don't have things we do together. We don't go to movies or to dinner or dancing... we don't go anywhere. My fear is that he doesn't want to do these things. His habit is drinking at night. So my requests of him are huge. I want him to quit drinking, to go out with me, to have friends, to be productive and social, etc. and I am scared he can't do it... or doesn't want to. What if we don't enjoy the same things? I guess that is why I meant that I changed. I don't want that to be our life but it always has been our relationship. I told him all of this and he said he understands and wants to do things with me, but then when it comes down to it we don't do things and there is always an excuse... he had a hard day, we can't afford it, he has to get up early...