Making new habits
I'm finding every single morning I go through a period of extreme downtime. Every morning I think about going back to the ex, and back to the *life*. I know it will pass, just as when I was done getting high I knew the extreme frustration, and wanting more would pass... just a waiting game. I set up a plan last night that this morning I would work out first thing in the morning to get my mind off of anything bad. Well, I woke up a little late, and I just was consumed with wanting to go back. Had to call xabf's mom which was hard. Have to go to xabf's house for like 30 seconds (she babysits for me while I work) today.
I'm doing ok now, just hopped on here first thing, but blew away like 2 hrs waiting for the want to go back to subside. I'm getting into dangerous thinking here, because I know he'll be back eventually, and so the most motivating thing to tell myself is *Get my life together, so that when he comes back we won't have so many complications*. Meanwhile in my heart I know once I get my life together I'll feel so good abt myself that I won't WANT to go back. But that's been my motivating factor, and it works.
Here's my problem, I've gotta do something about the *morning blues* that inevitably go away... but are just not working right now for me. When I'm in that mindset I just want to call him, I almost thought of telling him, hey we can hang out, keep it a secret, we'll just be friends. But that's crazy thinking. I won't do it, but my mind played that conversation today. I need to get stricter with myself. I need to find something to do in the morning that is self improving, but that I'll be able to force myself to do. After eating like crazy all day yesterday (guess trying to catch up with only having eaten like once every other day for the last month) I'm back to not having any desire to eat again. Back to starving myself to get off the weight that I've gained in the last week after quitting drugs.
This is hard, really hard. I mess up all my morning plans and make myself feel like a failure for the day. Why?