Everlong, I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I can certainly understand your feelings. During my teenage years, my mom was deep into her disease. I never knew when I would see my mom - the woman I loved and the one who was there for me, and when I would see this other person who scared me to death. I was afraid to ask anyone to come to my house - I never knew what I would face. And my dad was totally stuck in denial. I felt like I was the one with the problem - since everyone else pretended like nothing was going on.
That was quite a long time ago...My mom found recovery for probably 30 + years before she died, and yet I am still processing what happened. I feel guilty that I did not understand the disease aspect. And yet...I know now, I did not cause it, could not cure it and could not control it.
Can you find an Alanon meeting? I know you feel bad for your mom, but she has to find her own way. Maybe you can find a meeting and maybe your mom may want to try too. I know it really helped me to be with people who understood my pain.
Thanks for sharing your story here.