Faithfully-
A very profound thing happened to me once, and I think it is something you need to hear, and hopefully will be profound and meaningful to you as well. I was reading this book on dysfunctional family systems, and what you are taught as a child when you are raised in one. This book talked a lot about being victimized as children and all the harm that is heaped onto us when we have a less than healthy family. We are taught very bad things that "healthy" families do not teach their children. This book validated so many things that I felt, and explained alot of why my life had ended up where it had.
One of the greatest things this book helped me to realize though was AS AN ADULT IF I WERE A VICTIM IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS CHOOSING TO BE. AS A CHILD I HAD NO CHOICE, BUT AS AN ADULT I DO. ACTUALLY IT FURTHERED TO SAY, IF YOU ARE AN ADULT YOU CAN NOT BE A VICTIM TO YOUR OWN LIFE. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHOICES AND IF SOMEONE IS HARMING YOU IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING THEM.
You do not need all the answers. You do not need to know exactly what is you are supposed to do. You do need to seek help and get honest. I release you to yourself and the life you choose.