Yes, I know I am supporting his drinking, during some periods more directly than others. Right now he is paying for this with his unemployment money, which will run out soon. At other times, I have actually bought beer for him. It is an ugly truth.
I understand now that his disease is progressing, thanks to this post. Last summer while he was still working, I knew something bad was coming. He started complaining about the job more, talking tough, and that's when he started going out again to bars. That's when I started getting very anxious, because I knew his disease was progressing. Now I have this knowledge out in the open.
So here is where I have to start focusing back on me. Why do I stay even when I want to go? What keeps me here? How can I change those things?
I stay because I NEED to be able to fix him. I can't give up, because that would mean facing the world alone, with no one to validate my worth. Who am I if not his wife?
I know this is crazy thinking, but inside my head sometimes, it gets crazy. This is left over from being raised by a mother with mental illness.
But I can do this, move forward in my life regardless of what he chooses to do. I just need a bit of help. And I am focused now on getting that help on a consistent basis. Going to meetings, reading, posting here, therapy. I am moving forward by hook or by crook.
Thanks friends................