Boy.....Christmas day,1967. "mom" got me one of those woodburning sets- remember those? They had about nine plates, & I engraved them all in about three hours-ticked off "mom" , who had been drinking vodka since before the sun came up, BIG TIME. She proceeded to beat me. And beat me. And beat me. She must have done this about a DOZEN times ALL DAY LONG. Up untill about 5-6 years ago, there was not a more horrible day than Christmas in my mind/life.
Then there was the time when the neighborhood kid stole a puppy I had, & hid it in a barrel during a HOT July day. Needless to say, the poor dog died a agonizing death. As you might think, this would have a Horrible experience, especally (sic) for a eight-year old kid. It wasn't over yet. That night, as usual she got drunk. She made me get up & stand before her 6-8, times telling me how I killed my dog & how EVERYTHING was my fault.
It does me a lot of good to get this out- I have repressed these nightmares for SO long. She never remembered what she said or did (at least that's what SHE told me!) . I think I have forgiven her ( by the way, she was my Aunt.) But the real tragedy is that I don't love her & I don't know if I ever will. I turned into a cold-hearted, callous person who is just now learning how to have feelings of warmth forgivness, acceptance, & LOVE thanks to the good fortune of meeting a wonderful woman-I do not thank the Lord often enough for bringing her into my life.
But these experiences warped me. I will ALWAYS be warped, I guess. But I don't have to be a rampaging ass**** anymore, trying to destroy myself. I AM NOT the monster I thought I was, undeserving of love, affection, or respect. I don't have to been that scared-to-death little kid anymore who couldn't seem to ever grow up. I can RELAX. I can ACCEPT myself, warts & all. I can LEARN to be happy & allow others into my life. The Lord DOES care...Thanks.