Ago

Hmmm

interesting

That was my experience as well, the funny thing, in my case "her drinking" was never a problem in our relationship until she decided to "get sober" and began "shining the light" on her drinking (we had plenty of 'other' problems)

I had years of sobriety under my belt, so she announces one day "I am a akahalik" and that she was going to begin attending meetings "to get help"

That's when it got surreal for me, she'd ask me for help, then absolutely hit me between the eyes when I told her about "the suggestions" such as 90 in 90 etc. I took her to a meeting and introduced her to women and walked away (which is 'what you do') and she came unglued and yelled at me all the way home (one hour drive).

There are a number of "standard practices" that you do when you get sober, she asked me about them, and then promptly shot each "suggestion" down as I told it, and then when she was doing it all "her way" and was drinking and lying about it, and it wasn't working, she'd ask for help, I'd point these things out she'd absolutely tear me a new @$$hole for "being mean".

It was just very strange, she'd ask for help, I'd tell her what "the norm" was, then she would argue with me and that she didn't need to do those things because she was "different" and "unique" and she would quit drinking "using willpower"

I need to interject that this was where my friends were laughing so hard they literally had tears rolling down their cheeks when I told them about this, as this is what every single alcoholic in the world says when they walk through the doors of AA, and I had pompously shared at group level a week before she decided to get sober "Anyone who has a relationship with a newcomer deserves everything they get" (the rule of thumb is no new relationships for a year) so a week later there she was holding my hand at a meeting announcing herself as a newcomer. At 11 days she was telling me how to run my program and what I was "doing wrong". (need I point out my friends were gasping for breath rolling around on the floor they were laughing so hard when I told them)

Anyway, I've had tons of experience, I mean years and years of experience working with newcomers but when it came to having a practicing alcoholic in my own life it was like I had to relearn the rule book.

Andrew's Rule #1

It's OK if they say it about themselves but it's a deal breaker if you do

Telling the truth is unacceptable to practicing alcoholics and considered manipulation and abuse

Anyway, I'm just kind of "saying this stuff out loud" to kind of "get a feel" for it, sorry I'm not offering more recovery and solution on your NYE thread, I'm still kind of hurt and confused about this whole aspect and don't quite have "clarity".

In post break up communication she had mentioned that I had "left her" because of the "new tools" she was learning and how uncomfortable they made me but the truth is I had left her for disappearing for days at a time and drinking and lying about it and stating in an email she was going to go sleep with some men as a "behavior modification tactic" for me...so I guess I was still trying to reconcile those two, because I could have sworn disappearing for days at a time and lying to me about it were old tools but oh well, live and learn

Anyhow, thank you as always, you were able to put your thoughts down here around this much more succinctly then I am in this issue, so please forgive me for "dumping" on your thread but this way it's all out on "paper" and I don't need to carry this stuff around and any "sorting out" or "processing" I might have had to do on this can happen "out there" and not in the murky reaches of my mind which is still a bit like an attic that's so cluttered you can't find anything in a few corners.