counselorK

My family visited us for Christmas this year. First time we've shared it together in about 10 years. My AH husband was pretty good the first couple nights, but then started getting drunk and creating drama. He wrecked Christmas eve by getting upset about a conversation with his daughter and leaving the restaurant. Two nights later, after staying home and drinking all day, he thought it would be a good idea to demonstrate what a great protector he is and brought out the loaded gun from the safe.

It kinda went downhill from there. On the last day, he started drinking early. Thankfully my Mom left (after telling me to hide the brandy.) He found out that his son got a DUI the night before. He wanted to pick him up, but asked me to drive because he had too much to drink (by noon). I said I would, but thought it wasn't a great idea to get him while Dad was intoxicated. This was apparently the wrong thing to say, because I now became the incompassionate b*tch. He ended up picking up his kids, dropping them off and coming back 10 minutes later (buying alcohol?) He was clearly intoxicated and revving himself up over his son's DUI. When his son went to bed, somehow the DUI became my fault and the ranting about how awful I am ended when he finally started snoring.

Our plans were to spend this week at our cabin. The next morning I told him he wasn't going. I need a break from him.

He loves me. He's sorry.

I know.

After three days, I haven't caved and invited him up. I almost did last night and my girlfriend gently gave it to me. Once again, I show up at work with puffy eyes from crying.

I'm reminded that every member of my family and every close girlfriend I have has told me that I need to leave him. They can't stand his behaviour and how he treats me.

They were all so happy that I had the guts to kick him out this summer (6 weeks) and so disappointed when I let him come back. Of course, none of the promises to change, get help, take care of himself, etc., has stuck. He's resistant to recovery. At this point, I'm not convinced it's just the alcohol that's the problem.

He's panicking and desperately wants to come up to be with me. He knows it's serious this time. It kills me to hear his hurt voice. I love him so much. How can I love him so much? After all the tears on birthdays, vacations and anniversaries, after all the disappointments, drunk driving and all night rants...why do I love him so much? He was so wonderful to me when we got together. What happened?

He's my best friend and my worst nightmare. I told him that yesterday. He understands.

The sick thing is that I left my first AH, my kid's father, six years ago. Yep. This is my second time to the rodeo. I feel like such an idiot.

When I left him, I didn't love him anymore.

I'm so angry at myself for being in this position again. I'm 44. I'm too old to make this mistake again.

I can't stand the thought of a second divorce. Of course, I'm scared of the money problems, being alone, starting over, concern for him. And yet, the thought of living with the insanity that is my current life is unbearable.

I am in so much pain. How can I find the strength to do what I need to do? I go home Sunday...