(((TC)))- this passage on the Hazelden website spoke to me- and I copied a bit of it for you:
Monday, December 29, 2008
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go"
. . . Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That’s okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. . .
I think the way you are handling yourself is amazing. I hope you will go to Dallas tonight and have fun. I can tell you are grieving too- which is to be expected. Your AH sounds a lot like mine has- wanting me to just accept him for who he is, telling me I am trying to control him, that I can't accept him for who he is. It's hard to hear that- but the reality is is that it's true. I have tried to control him, I can't accept <live with> him for who he is. I distinctly remember letting him go and just standing back to see what he would do to salvage our marriage. He did nothing at all. I realized during that time that I had been doing all the work, and that when left to his own devices my STBXAH would do nothing and would make choices that were hurtful and would show me very clearly where his priorities lie. In fact, he had been doing this for years, but I refused to see it. It hurts. But I have to accept him for who he is.
I am so in awe of your ability to do this- to say what you need- to set a boundary and stick with it. Of course your AH will say it's an example of you trying to control him. In fact it is a boundary you are setting to protect yourself. Going to Dallas and celebrating the New Year alone shows real strength. Have fun!