Divorce Hearing ...
The continuing saga of my divorce came to an end today. It was a very un-dramatic end to an almost year of anger, frustration . . . and recovery. The OLD me would have been worried and nervous. There was a fair amount of anger and frustration; as even 5 minutes before we went into the courtroom we had to haggle over a $500 item. I admit that the Ex and his attorney pushed my buttons . . . . BUT, it is the LAST time I will get drawin into argue with him (about money anyway). It is done!
What I notice more is this new feeling inside me. It didn't start today, but a few days ago. I'm not sure what it is, but I know what it is not. It is not worry, it is not desperation, it is not self-pity, it is not sadness, it is not even anger. Is it serenity? When I was married and even in the year we have been separated I have felt very lonely. Advice that is given on this board (and elsewhere) is often to "call a friend". And I would think -- easy for you to say, but WHO. I couldn't think of a single person I would be comfortable calling, I would just be a bother. All I have to talk about is problems; and who wants to hear me talk about my problems.
Today, I had calls from several friends wondering how the hearing went. I called a couple other people after, just because I felt like picking up the phone and talking to them. They seemed glad to hear from me -- and I didn't just talk about my problems. Wow, I don't remember feeling like this for years. Comfortable in my own skin; confident in relating to other people, able to BE a friend to others.
That's what living with an alcoholic took away from me. I no longer dread the weekend and feel a need to force plans just so I have something to do. Finally a feeling of peace the I CAN trust my HP. I have been lucky that I have not had to worry about my health, or money, or having a job or a place to live or food to eat. But I never really thought that my HP would truly provide me with friends. I know now that I could pick up the phone and connect with any number of people, and knowing that makes me finally feel comfortable being alone.