Facing Myself
I'm re-reading Co-Dependent No More and thinking a lot about how I'm dealing with the current situation with my brother. I have come to realize that, just as my brother has an addiction to alcohol, my addiction is to co-dependence. Even harder to admit - my desperate need to DO something (even if that something is to run away from the situation) has much more to do with trying to save MYSELF from pain than my brother. I don't want to experience the pain of seeing my brother's life fall apart again, my mother's anguish, the real possibility that my brother won't survive his disease.
Also like my brother, I indulge in "magical thinking." If I just do THIS (go to Al-Anon, see a therapist, get my anti-depressant meds adjusted), I will be rewarded by having these problems disappear. Intellectually, I know that ain't gonna happen. Emotionally, I grasp at these miracle cures ... just like my bro, who is looking for the pill that will fix the anxiety he blames for his drinking.
I think having these insights is useful, but also discouraging. I have to come to terms with the fact that no matter what I do, I WILL experience pain. There is NO external fix that is going to make it all better. I can only hope that by working through this hard, hard stuff I will eventually become a healthier person.