One thing that helped me was to accept that I could not expect rational thought or action from my xAH since he was (is) an active alcoholic. It doesn't pay to try to understand the irrational.
Changing my focus from him, his thought process, his reasons, on to me and my needs, behaviors and thought processes helped me to begin to heal and to begin figuring out what I needed to do to give myself the life I wanted and deserve.