I remember the distinct sound of the liquor cabinet opening, and the clanking of the bottles.
My most distinct memories are the yelling and screaming downstairs as I tried to study. The beach vacation when my father threatened, repeatedly over an hour, to jump through a plate glass window. The backyard party where my grandfather accused my father of ruining his daughter and turning her in to an alcoholic, and he just yelled back (my cousin and I sat on the lawn out of the line of sight). An the seething contempt he showed when I wouldn't hang out with the 'tough' boys in the neighborhood. And when he introduced me to all his divorced drunk friends at the bar, and I had to sit there and talk to them until he was ready to leave. One gets a really warped reaction to (otherwise valid) adult advice on 'life' when it comes from guys who can barely make it to the men's room.
Oddly enough a stressful year and SR has brought me more progress than years of therapy. Therapy, with meds, helped but I really had to stress the impact of all those years of watching and hiding.
I know that 'Stuck' feeling where you want to change but it feels like a hard and lonely road. You are by no means alone. You don't have to stay 'stuck' anymore. "Stuck" was a useful feeling that kept you more or less out of the line of fire as a child but you can move past it now. You have to believe that the road to recovery is clear straight ahead, and the HP flagman is telling you to move on forward.