Originally Posted by freya

The passage below is from the article "Addiction, Lies and Relationships" by Floyd P. Garret. Someone posted a link to it on this site a long time ago and I found it to be very, very helpful. (In fact, I found that, if it had been written as a case study rather than an essay, it could have been written word for word about the progression of my partner's dry-drunk relapse.) The language is pretty verbose, but the content is right on:

"The first casualty of addiction, like that of war, is the truth. At first the addict merely denies the truth to himself. But as the addiction, like a malignant tumor, slowly and progressively expands and invades more and more of the healthy tissue of his life and mind and world, the addict begins to deny the truth to others as well as to himself. He quickly becomes a practiced and profligate liar in all matters related to the defense and preservation of his addiction, even though prior to the onset of his addictive illness, and often still in areas as yet untouched by the addiction, he may be scrupulously honest. As the addiction progresses, these areas become fewer and fewer, until the addict’s lies are so constant and so obvious that it often appears to those with whom he lives or works closely that he lies even more compulsively and even more constantly than he drinks and/or drugs.

First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning, and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.

Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress."

On a lighter note, there's always that joke:

Q: How can you tell when an alcoholic/addict is lying?

A: His lips move.

Of course, it's really not funny.....but someday you will be in the position to have a sense of humor about it. Especially if you remember that just because the alcoholic chooses to live in some conveniently ever-changing alternate reality, you do not have to follow him into it. Usually, for me that means NOT ENGAGING, because I've found that if I even let myself get pulled 2 sentences into a conversation about it, I'm on my way down that road. (Remember that movie War Games??? "The only winning move is not to play!") So, it goes like this: You call me a name; I walk away. You start up with the denial and excuses; I say "You don't seem to be in a place where you can discuss this reasonably right now, so I have to end this conversation for now," and I walk away. You chase after me hollering and screaming and making a scene; I just keep walking (and if I'm tempted to feel embarrassed, I remind myself that I am not the one acting like a lunatic, so why should I be the one to be feeling embarrassed?) etc...etc...etc.... I've done and do all of these things -- not real comfortably at first, but it's pretty amazing how quickly new behavior can become comfortable once you realize how much easier your life becomes because of it.......Practice makes perfect!

...and, boy, do they excel at offering us opportunities to achieve perfection!

freya