Old 11-24-2008, 02:16 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
loner1968
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I called myself every name in the book too. I felt like such a fool so many times. You will get past that by reading here and learning that you are part of a pattern and not that there is anything wrong with you.
Addiction is so beyond what I can comprehend sometimes and it takes constant reading, and learning and reflecting to stay on track and not revert back to beating myself up or falling back into codie-land. For me the whole idea of addiction is counter-intuitive. It makes sense in a text book sort of way but not in a reality sort of way. If addicts who get sober have to work at recovery every day then I guess we have to work at ours every day too. Sometimes if I stay away from here for too long I begin to forget. My codie brain is still stubborn and wants to take over.

Like everyone else said...we all want to believe. Maybe sometimes the addicts want to believe it too but aren't really ready. The hardest part of it all for me was that I took it all personally. I tried and tried to figure out how someone could be that way and just seem to not care how THEY hurt ME.

My XABF never went to rehab or got any help and when he came sniffing around here (for a place to live when his new AGF wanted to kick him out) I knew he had not changed. I wanted to believe it but was at the point where my guard was up and I knew I had to protect myself. It sounds like maybe thats where you were when he came back. You figured it out and now you know. You trusted you gut and it was correct.

The hardest part for me was that I took it all very personally. I felt like everything he did and said was intended to hurt me. Maybe some of it was but overall I look at it now as self preservation. Addicts will do anything and say anything to get where they want to be for the moment. I don't think they plan very far ahead which is why it seems like they change their minds every five minutes. I'm not special to an addict. I am just another person who may or may not give in and give them what they want. Well I understand a little more now and I realize that its not personal. Took me a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time to get realize that.
I know I can say don't be so hard on yourself but until you get to that point on your own you will probably still be hard on yourself. I hope you stick around here and build up your strength and knowledge so you can get to that point soon.
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