I don't think they purposely set out to hurt you. As other said, they just do what alcoholics do which often seems very selfish and hurtful. I asked my XAH on several occasions if he was intentionally trying to hurt me or whether he was ever bothered by the fact I was hurt by his actions. His answer: "Why do you think I get angry when you want to talk about it the next day and ask me for an apology? I don't want to be reminded that I did those things." So I believe they don't have a whole lot of control over what they do when they're drinking. The difference is we feel the pain and they have their pain killer.