Hi everyone,
I don't post much anymore. I still come around and read and check up on old friends, though! I found SR two years ago this month, and it was the beginning of a long, but wonderful, journey out of hell...
My life is incredibly busy now, and incredibly full of very good things. I finally broke free from a 25 year marriage to an abusive, addicted man to whom I had handed over the control of my every waking thought.
Like so many of you, I had lost hope. I thought I couldn't make it on my own. I had come to a sick enjoyment of playing the martyr, the poor wife with the horrible life that was all her addict husband's fault. If only he would do X,Y,and Z, then I could be happy.
The truth was-I didn't want to do the work myself. I didn't want to take responsibility for my own behavior and for the codependent thinking that was totally responsible for the mess my life was in. I didn't want to give up my 'comfort zone'. What irony in those words...
I could come up with all manner of excuses NOT to step up to the plate. I was too old, I couldn't support us, I didn't want to give up my home, I didn't want to have to work so I could 'be there' for my kids. There is incredible irony in those words as well, because the only person I was 'there for' was me. I often accused my exh of being selfish, but I was just as selfish as he was. He was addicted to drugs, I was addicted to suffering.
I was miserable, and I am sure I was miserable to be around. Over the course of several months in 2006, something began to change. I 'hit bottom' in June of that year, and here is a link to something I wrote then:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-year-ago.html
To make a long story short, I will be graduating in just three weeks with a degree in Child and Youth Development and will be entering Graduate School in January in Special Ed.
My life is full and rich. I have friends and family. I have a new home-not the mansion on the hill that I gave up, but it's warm and dry and it is MINE.
Most importantly to me, I have a rich relationship with God, to whom I give all the glory for my recovery. It was not until I finally gave Him the reins to my incredibly messed up life that it started to get better. And it gets better every day.
So to everyone that still is holding on to the attitude of "I can't...", I am here to tell you that you CAN. I am living proof of that.
But it's your move. No one will do it for you. No one is going to ride in and save the day. If you don't make changes, they won't happen. Stop waiting for someone to 'make' you happy. Life doesn't work that way.
Let go, and let God. Sounds like a cliche, but it is the absolute Truth. He has led me out of a pit that I truly thought I would die in.
This year, I am more thankful than I guess I have ever been. Life is good. It's not easy, but it's good.
Happy Thanksgiving.