FreeBird09

I am shaking uncontrollably, and have been for days since the contact started again with the AXBF. I wish I could run away, but wherever I run away to, my freeking mind will be there with me!

I got off the phone with him about 2 hours ago and I am just so.. spent. He called me, he had not been drinking, as far as I can tell. The conversation started out pretty bad, first expressing to each other how angry we are at each other for this situation. Then it went to him screaming at me because I can't afford to pay the car insurance this month and wanted him to cover it. He said I was a vulture who caused him to lose everything. (this hurt, as he was the one who walked out on me leaving everything behind)

I asked him what happened to him wanting to come home, he said I do want to come home but you need counseling for your mistrust of men. I said, trust, you want me to trust you from NY-NC, when you are seeped with hate towards me, drinking every day, and are quite evasive about everything! He started his screaming again, which I told him I would have to get off the phone if he continued. He said he didn't want to be without me but he is trying to find peace and figure out what his underlying problem is.

I asked about his drinking buddy he has, he said oh he is in the lunny bin he slit his wrists and I want to slit my throat because of you. I asked him if he wants to end up like his friend, and he said he is going to end up like him because of me, because I wont pay the car insurance, because he don't have a job and can't get one because of the panic and anxiety, because he don't want to lose me but he can't be with me and wants me to wait for him. He goes from seething hateful attitude and words to I love you baby, I just need more time to heal. But, he isn't making strides to fix the problem. He did say he started on that program.

I told him that I don't want to see him end up like his buddy, that I love him and wish for him to find the peace he is seeking. I hung up with I love you.

I KNOW that this will be the last conversation I have with this man. I found out quickly, after a few minuets why we are not together. He is so into blaming everything on me, that he can't see himself. I am feeling quite ill. I feel so nervous, so anxious, so sad, so hurt, so lost. I want to shake the **** out of him and make him get help. But I can't.. ;-(

I want to shake the **** out of myself to smarten up and just let him suffer his own consequences. If I don't, I will end up in the hospital. As it is, I have lost 175 lbs since September 2007, and lost 20# in the last 2 weeks because my insides are shaking like I was standing in a snowbank naked.