Old 11-05-2008, 02:51 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
SelfSeeking
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 1,340
This week I am working on steps 2 and 3. (Can't really see how to separate them.) I have been thinking/meditating on all the positive feelings I've been getting from people, at meetings and outside of them, and my hopes and dreams for putting my life into a better direction, and visualizing it as a glowing, warm, white ball floating in deep space. Sometimes it feels like outer space and sometimes it seems like it's deep inside myself. I talk to it. I have tried "handing things over" to it. I dunno what it is. It's good enough for me, for now, I guess. I re-re-re read "we agnostics" and I still hate that chapter of the bb! Grr! Why spend half the chapter talking about how we don't have to be religious, and the other half talking about how great religion is! I feel like every time I try again and read it, I get my back up against the wall and want to give up on the whole thing.

I tried to visualize a loving perfect person, but I can't put the idea of pure good together with a human face. It just doesn't work, so the idea I read about in '12 steps on Buddha's path'- Honey Pie, the fluffy, loving, harmless older woman- ended up falling through.

I do feel like I'm doing mental gymnastics to fit myself in to AA. The Lord's Prayer, my irritation reaction goes up and down, but I wish I didn't have to deal with it. Serenity, courage, wisdom, that's one thing. But "our Father, they kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven", I mean, it's a fundamentally Christian prayer. There are times when I want to leave early instead of standing there silently.
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