ClimbingUP

I have such a hard time forgiving myself. Right now, I'm debating whether or not I should hang out with a girlfriend tomorrow and give out halloween candy. I haven't seen or talked to her for a while, but she left me a message inviting me (I'm sure after hearing from my other girlfriend that I was depressed). The reason why I hestitate is because of shame over some stuff I did over the summer. I went on a platonic vacation with a guy I used to work with and things went horribly wrong. I did some things I'm not proud of and which he had every right to be angry with me about. Although, he reacted to me in a very passive aggressive fashion and turned out to be a huge baby...but I digress. I ended up reacting to the stress of the situation by drinking and trying to hide my drinking from him. I'm not sure if he knew I was drunk because I don't speak to him anymore. I also don't work at the same place anymore, and I having this feeling that everyone there thinks I'm a huge f* up.

So, how does this relate to my friend? Well, she still works at the old place and I'm sure she's heard all about how badly I acted. Basically, I know she doesn't care but the opinions of the rest of the people I used to work with still hover in my mind and control my actions. Okay, as I wrote that i realized how stupid it is. And I also know that what I 'assume' everyone is feeling towards me is really just what I think about myself. I hate that I automatically think that everyone thinks I'm a f*up and that they gossip negatively about me. I hate that even if they do, that I care and let it effect how I act. I really need to learn how to forgive myself. I sat here earlier and thought "How would my life be different if I automatically thought everyone thought I was great rather than a f*up?" I hope to get there one day.