Originally Posted by desertdonna

First off, I apologize that I don’t post often. I just don’t get this writing on a forum thing very well, and feel that I have less than a pittance to share that would make a difference to someone when it comes to sober living. But I think of all you every time I come to read.

I never kicked this beast, on and off, for as long as you. I just drank for so long, maintaining a shell of normalcy, that it finally caught me at the knees. It does stop working, and it’s true that it will kill you, but it isn’t pretty long before that last breath. I reached my own point of desperation, and that’s what it took for me.

Once my head cleared (kind of) and my body healed, I realized I was still trapped. Not by alcohol, but by the thoughts that ran amuck in my head. The crazy thoughts, the fearful thoughts, the “you’re less than” thoughts. I realized these thoughts drove this pitiful person to drink in the first place, chronically fed the addiction beast, and kept me painfully alone.

That’s why I started going to AA. If I kept the God/HP issue as a reason not to go, I would have missed out on the people who were thought-driven just like me. It was a common denominator. Trying to do it from reading, self-help and a purely cognitive therapy approach just couldn’t cut it for me. I needed to get outside of myself, literally, from the self-imposed isolation. There is nothing wrong with my intellect; I was addicted to alcohol and that makes me pretty much just like everyone else here to one degree or another. I have found strength almost by osmosis by being with others who share the same affliction. Isn’t that what this forum is all about? It’s not the only way. But it sure as hell is available and accessible and that’s good enough for me. I haven’t “worked” the program, can’t say that I will or won’t. But for today it helps sustain my sanity, and I don’t even think about drinking.

We can get off and on the roller coaster a million times; we have so many chances. And it’s always a bright, shiny day when we do after the initial shame and remorse fades. Then we do it again. But there does come a time when the illusion that “it works” stops, the chances run out, the human machinery breaks down from the long-term abuse. It’s not living, really, and an awful way to die.

Now, for me, it’s being sober, working on the thought processes and the sanity that matter. I know that permanent abstinence is the only solution and goal. My thoughts might delude me and tell me otherwise, but it's my choice to embrace this, whether from a clear head or face down drowning in my own vomit.

You’re not working and have a lot of time mucking around in your own head, in a small town, in a small trailer park. Keep reaching out to the bigger world, Paul, it’s there. I’m glad you got in to see a therapist. Let us know how it goes tomorrow, and also with the MD.

Rooting for you and a big fat hug,

Donna

P.S. Hi to everyone else -- SS, Ananda, Alera, Zencat, Zendust, Bugs. Miss you, Dee!