So i think i get it now...its such a hard disease to comprehend ....
So when he says it is honorable for him to risk his health (by using) in order to support his family.....he really believes this because it is the drugs talking, or his addict brain talking...and the same thing when he says that god says its ok and he forgives him.....
I just need to realize this, accept it, and stop trying to reason with him..
I think that is part of my problem, i cant accept that i no longer have a partner that i can talk to and who actually hears what i am saying.....I keep thinking it is going to get better...that he will never let it get so bad that he will loose his job, or get arrested, (i know he cant control either one.....) but i think it is part of why i stay....i think i am having trouble with acceptance because he is somewhat functioning (in that he has kept his job and sometimes does things with the kids, and does family things)....
I keep trying to talk to him, trying to get through to him, but what i dont seem to get is that he cant even hear me-----his brain is so messed up, its like he cant control his own thinking...its so sad.....i hate this disease.
Maybe once i start to accept the facts, then i can move ahead with my life......i mean this can go on for years and years, where he is semi-functioning...but i still wont have a partner...and its just not fair.....he did make that first choice to use right? and just because he cant control it now, it is not my obligation because i married him to live with someone not emotionally available to me, or who is using a dangerous substance and even bringing it into our house.......
Now what about ...in sickness and in health???...it is a sickness...but is it different because of that first decision to use???