I shared in a meeting tonight- and didn't realize I felt it until I was saying it- that I am grateful for the decision my prof made, to fail me in her class.
I still can barely believe it, but there it is.
I never, never would have let myself take the time I need to get my head on straight. I would have plowed through this semester until I utterly crashed and burned, and done far more damage. She did the absolute kindest thing she could have done. And it was funny... the way she did it. She said she really didn't want to but felt she just had to. And this is a prof who had shown every inclination before to pass me through and get me out of her class as quickly and painlessly as possible. But she didn't do it this time.
Another thing I can barely believe I'm thinking... that maybe. Oh crap. I have this feeling that there is a benevolent force in the universe. A greater good? Not "god" but... maybe I can call it BF. Best Friend, Benevolent Force.
Because this is such a bad thing that most people around me did not at all think would get to this point. Everyone I talked to thought that this would end with a slap on the wrist, for many reasons. And now that I've had time to sit with it, and with the help of so many supportive people in my life stayed sober and thought about it with a clear head, I can see that it may have saved my life.
Seculars, please don't get spooked! :ghug2