This day ended more positively than I could have imagined from the way it started. You guys know I am in a medical-y field? Well, today I had to deal with a death. My first. It was... ya know. It was death. It sucked. It had a lot of reasons to be extra-tragic. There was truly nothing anyone could have done, myself included. Just one of those things, as they say.
Shortly after that happened, I set myself to facing this long-overdue paper that may get me kicked out of school. That also felt bad and piled on top of the death-related thing. Then I opened my email and found an evaluation from something on Tuesday... not a good eval. No exaggerating there, it was bad. I was trying to work on the paper but just kept falling asleep in the coffee shop, it was like my brain was trying to turn off without my permission. So I left the coffee place and started to fall apart. I felt like I would never feel better, that nothing could make me feel better, and that it was time to stop at the liquor store on the way home. If I couldn't change the feeling, I would make it go away. I remembered resolving when I joined AA that if I was going to drink, I would at least call my sponsor first, no matter what. So I told myself, fine, I'll call my sponsor and then I'm going to the store, I don't care what she says. I'm just doing this because I said I would but then
I'm drinking cause I'm not feeling this anymore, that is that.
Well, once I got off the phone with my sponsor, I wasn't ready to drink anymore. Then a friend called to see if I wanted to go to a meeting with her. By the time the meeting ended, I knew the liquor stores were closed, and I was home free.
Once I got home, I emailed my program director. I told her about my alcoholism and my sobriety. I think at this point it can only help me. And now I am free from the terror of wondering what she would say if she knew, no matter what the outcome is it's better than the uncertainty. And my sobriety is a
good thing. It's the only chance I've got for things to improve.
I'll let you guys know how it turns out. Now I need to sleep. I have been through the wringer. Thanks for the caring posts
