What I need is the courage and strength to do what i need to do. I know what that is, the trouble is having the courage to follow through with it. I know that this is a bad situation...i know that this is not getting better....i know that i cant help him if he doesnt want to be helped....
(by the way, my therapist who is very well versed in addcition has had many a client who has been pushed into recovery and after getting there, did decide to "work it"..)
THe other thing is I do not know how exactly to take care of me..truth be told...I am AFRAID of getting a full time job because I just dont think I am capable of handling it, especially with my circumstances....no support system, hving to parent myself, being depressed and feeling helpless in my situation....etc..Also, I am scared that I am not smart enough, or detail oriented enough or have it in me to do a good job...especially with what I am dealing with...my emotions get the best of me, not to mention my depression. I am also so exhausted all of the time and I am not working....it may partly be depression and exhaustion from worrying, but im afraid it may be a medical health issue, and not just a mental one....
I need the courage to move forward if he does not get help...I know I need to keep telling myself this is the only way....I have to go through with my threat of leaving the marriage if he does not get help...I just have to ....what choice do I have???? I have to think about my kids and be a good mom and protect them.....i have too....
Why am I so frightened...what will it take for me to gain the courage to go through with this??? I have no job, no means of support, no confidence...but i have my children and you are absolutly right that i have to put THEIR needs first...I just have to....what kind of mother am I if I don't????
We have been going in circles for over 3 years with the same BS conversations.....I have to get out of my denial and accept what is going on here as real and that it is not going away and I have to do something I cant sit here any longer and pretend.
Thanks for listening everyone....thank you----