I feel lost.
At the beginning of the week I thought maybe I was ready to date. Not so. Now I think it may be far away for me. My wanting to date, I now think, had to do with being rejected again. Its part of my "wound" as our couples therapist used to say.
I don't feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, ect. and I don't know where I lost myself. I love my ex still, but the truth is he has been rejecting me since the day we met. I was never enough for him. I don't think I ever would be. I feel incredibly sad that this is what I have to show for the past 4 years of my life... being with someone who never really cared about how I felt and being a women who is likely so easily replaced it makes my heart hurt to think about how worthless I was/am to him.
I would say I want my life back, but I don't even know what that means right now. I don't know how to pick myself up off the floor.
I keep thinking about all the lies and manipulation and false promises. I don't know what was real or fake. The night he told me about his drinking, I thought I was getting engaged because he said he was ready and my friend was helping him find a ring. Now I wonder if that was all an act too. Another hook. How could I mean so little to someone I love so much? How could I have been so wrong about the truth of my life?
I realize I wasn't with him a lifetime, but I really thought I found my person. There were times I would lay next to him and cuddle very close to him and think "there is no other place in the world I would rather be."
I just feel heartbroken and lost. I thought I was past this part of understanding this disease and if he's not sick, like he says he's not, then what does that say about me?
Crazy-making. I can't get past it and get back on track. Where have I been for all this time and where am I even at now?
Sorry for the rant and thanks for reading : )