awww, sweetie, give yourself a little time to grieve, and then move on. You will find yourself smiling and enjoying life again.
When I was using (crack), as soon as I ran out of money or dope, or was faced with a consequence, I cried, swore I wanted to be clean, promised I would do better. I actually DID want to be clean, at that moment, because I was miserable. Then, as soon as I calmed down, I would go back to the dope.
When I finally hit bottom, there were no tears, no promises. I was just done. I was still miserable, but I refused to think of using as an option.
When I broke up with my XABF, who was still using, I went through a similar thing. I was miserable, figured I would be alone forever, missed him terribly. I had to keep reminding myself that he wasn't going to change, so the only person who COULD change was me.
It's not easy, sometimes it hurts like he!!, but we get through it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy