Hey, I just replied to your other post, but want to add a few thoughts here. Your boyfriend can learn to empathize, but he'll never 100% understand. So you'll have to learn how to deal with the slip-ups and obstacles in a healthy constructive way. He needs to know that you need him to be patient, above all else. You could even explain that when it comes to relationships, you were raised on a different planet altogether (unlike any woman he's previously known) and so you'll need his help to guide you into it.
My father was also an alcoholic, and though I thought I escaped "normal", I was a rigid, in-control, "independent" woman <--- *insert flashing ACoA lights here* I somehow managed to meet a nice functional man and the relationship smoothly progressed, but it also ran into some roadblocks. He was certainly turned off by certain behaviors and called me on it. I couldn't even begin to explain myself, but I did tell him about my family. On specific issues we could pinpoint, I tried to explain why I was reacting in a certain way (e.g. I'm a control freak because there was no control in my life - I had to provide it). I had also just come through some humbling life crises which forced me to admit that my life strategy was not 100% effective, so I was also ready to swallow my pride and take in some constructive criticism.
How it played out was that I told him the general issue so that he's aware that I grew up with an alcoholic parent, then I've told him in bits and pieces the details as they've come up. For someone who hasn't come from a dysfunctional background, it's really hard for them to imagine or even take it all in. But I feel a great sense of empathy from my boyfriend because over time we've been able to pinpoint and "correct" certain little things. He knows that if I've done or reacted to something oddly, that to take a moment and consider that I just don't know how to respond appropriately. He'll call me on it, and because I've learned to trust him, I can take in the criticism without feeling attacked. Also he's met my parents and can see firsthand with my own point-of-view perspective what it must have been like to grow up with them. So I'd say understanding doesn't come all at once. It'll be a revealing truth that comes with time.
There are still times when my boyfriend can't relate at all, e.g. WHY would you ever put up with that? I just plainly tell him that if that's all you've known, it can be really hard to understand that there's another choice or another way of dealing with it. Your boyfriend will see that you've clearly an intelligent and reflective person, capable of handling things in a calm adult manner. So don't be immediately scared of what he has to say or that he's going to go running. He definitely needs to be ready to have lots of patience, and know that he can bring up something that's bothering him. Communication and patience will be the main keys to getting past this hurdle, but know that it also won't be a hurdle that lasts forever. You're literally learning new skills here, and once you master them, they won't be an issue like they are now. Hang in there!