Pajarito

I do go to a wonderful counselor- and met her when STBXAH and I went to her for marriage counseling 4 years ago. She is actually the first person to raise the chemical dependency flag. Talk about timing- I went to her yesterday and we talked about this situation. She is working with me to listen to my inner voice instead of always deferring to the outer voices I have for so long tried to please- my dad, my STBXAH.

As a mom- not as his wife- as my dd's mom, I know that she is upset with STBXAH and his choices. She feels he is trying to make her share her time with him with this new woman. This is a woman he has plenty of opportunity to see otherwise as he works with her. DD sees him very little, and he goes for days- 4-5 without contacting her. She wants her dad to focus on her when they have time together- and I don't blame her. Yes- he moved out a year ago, so that seems- on the outside- like plenty of time to get used to this situation, but dd was just told in April that we are divorcing. He has been taking dd on dates with his girlfriend since May. DD is trying to process the divorce, the fact that we are going to have to move from the only house/neighborhood she has ever known, and on top of that she has to accept that STBXAH has moved on with someone else. In my opinion- and from what I have observed with dd- it's too much too soon to process for a 10-year-old.

If I take my feelings out of this picture and focus only on what I know my dd can handle- and in light of the fit she threw recently having to spend an afternoon with this woman- I simply cannot say yes to him taking her for 4 nights with his girlfriend. It is too much for dd to handle. And I don't think it's ok to ask dd what she wants. To me that is too much pressure and responsibility for a 10-year-old to take on. As her parents, it is up to STBXAH and I to work out the visitation schedule. As her mom, I have to say no. It is my weekend with her, and I have to do what I feel is best for dd. This does not mean that I won't let her go with him on the weekends he does have her. I have no control over what he does when he spends time with dd. I can only express my concern for her mental well-being. If he chooses to expose her to his dating- well, all I can do is love my dd and talk to her about it. And I will definitely consider counseling as well as al-ateen when it seems like a good idea to bring in the back up.

I guess this long-winded response is to everyone who posted- and I thank all of you. I'd love more feedback if you have it. This situation is not unique. And I do want to work with STBXAH when it comes to what is best for dd. Right now I don't think there's any reason why she should have to go with him on this camping trip. In time she will get more used to what is happening, and he will take her on vacations or overnights, and I know I have to accept that. It just seems too soon, and I am basing my decisions on cues from dd as well as what my gut is telling me- regardless of how I feel about his choice to move on with someone else.