I truly know your heartache - and wanting to hear, then not wanting to hear. The tears, the emotional pain - and then just having to pick up and go on with my life and go to work and cook dinner, etc. Normal things. The nights were the worst.
But somehow with incredible support from my Alanon friends who had walked this path, I was able to do it - and to really be able to turn Kevin over to God. There were many months and years where I really thought he would only find sobriety and peace after he died. And I had to get ok with that too - the ultimate of "letting go". If I could accept the worst thing I could think of, I really could let go.
And 20 years later he calls me on my recovery birthday and says "hey Mom, this is Kevin - isn't this a special day for you" and tells me he is clean and sober 10 days! I'll never forget it. Is 20 years too long to wait - I guess not!
And today he is the son that I always knew he could be - and he loves his Mama. And I cherish every day of the last year, because nothing is guaranteed.
So hang in - as long as there is breath there is hope!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
P.S. The Serenity Prayer got me through the really tough times (his birthday, holidays ...), saying it over and over again through my tears - focusing on "... accept the things I cannot change".