Like some of the others here my stbxAH is actively drinking. I have only allowed him supervised visitation and that is being built into a joint custody arrangement but they live with me full time (ie he gets supervised visitation but the kids likve with me full time). I have also asked that he be sober during his visits with the children. I recognise that this is very difficult (impossible) to control but like nowwhat mentioned, this is helpful if he does turn out to be drinking around them in the future - it gives you leverage and indicates that this was a real problem and one you anticipated at the outset. Although it might not be impossible, proving how big an issue it is once things have carried on that way for a while is going to be an uphill battle. Getting it into the plan/order can also represent an agreement on his part which if/when he breaks it, is problematic for him. Not trying to make life difficult, I'd love to see my stbxAH pull himself together and be a good dad but my primary concern is the kids and making sure I have done everything and have all the tools available to protect them if I need to in the future. Getting legal advice on these issues has been really important to me.
I agree with everything everyone has said about sending consistent messages as parents and trying to stand together - I have told my stbxAH this is how I think we should go about this, but I really can't tell from one day to the next what is going on in his head so I don't hold out much hope of being able to get there. I will not bad mouth him in front of the children. If he does the same about me, then I guess I'll find out but it will not validate responding in the same way (however angry it makes me). I think over time your kids learn that there's a civilised and respectful way of dealing with other people and if they see that all the time at home then they will notice the other behaviour more when they see it (and hopefully disapprove of it). I keep myself nearby when he sees the children, so if they need me to take them home/want to leave, then they always know I'll come and get them. It's important to me that they feel secure (which is frankly very difficult when you're dealing with a volatile A). I let them talk to him on the phone when they feel like it.
I have no idea how this is going to work out in the longer term, so this thread is really helpful. I'm sure it's gong to be a rocky road but this site gives such great guidance - so grateful I found it!