At end of my Tether
I Love this man with all my heart, and have done so for 18 years of lies, abuse, infidelities and so many broken promises. I feel I am only a rescue service for him, when his life is in tatters. After the confession of yet another instance of cheating on me when totally drunk, I am not only sad about it, but damned mad about it.
The love I have for him seems endless, yet I wonder if he has any real love or interest in ME.
Something that comes to mind when he sobers up and promises he made only hours before are tossed overboard yet again is, does he really love me as he says he does?
Does he understand anything of what he puts us both through, and how upset he makes me?
Does he actually feel guilty when he lies to me about how much he's had to drink,
or who he has been with and what, if anything happened between them?
Does he realise he is lying to me in the first place?
Does he think about, and see things from my perspective at all?
Is he too wrapped up in himself and his drinking to be able to do that?
It seems that I can never really have a relationship with him, because the bottle will always be a better lover than ever could be for him.
Often I think that he can never truly love anybody, and I feel so miserable at the waste of both our lives.
At other times, I truly believe he does love me, in his own muddled up and weird way, but doesn't know how to express it.
He actually went for help from Drug & Alcohol service and has appointment in 2 weeks. I was away and he was drunk, broke, filthy, sick and desperate at the time, sobered up after 2 days of withdrawal hell, (total of 23 this year) then back on it 3 days later. Now says he will sober up yet again, and see counsellor because he wants to stop drinking. Hope so, but been there and done that so often I have doubts.
Maybe he finally sees that his BINGES have only brought him pain, great suffering, loads of guilt and remorse, such embarrassment and lack of success with his passion of horse racing.
This is his last chance where I am involved. Too old to go thru anymore.