Jules62

I’m sorry.I just do. I also feel guilty even making this post.I’ve received so much support and affirmation here lately and it feels selfish to be here asking for help again.But-I just desperately need it.

I woke up this morning with this huge, ineffable sadness and it just won’t go away.I am not a crier.It’s so rare for me but I just couldn’t stop.I’d sit here at my PC and the tears just wouldn’t stop coming no matter what I told myself. ‘Stop it already-you’re fine!’ ‘Grow the hell up-what are you even crying about?’ And that’s the thing-I DON’T EVEN KNOW!

I can’t tell you why I’m sad but my body sure as hell doen’t want me to stop and I hate it.I just hate it.

After two hours of this I thought-okay-pull yourself together.Go up the road to the local shops and get the stuff you need for dinner tonight.So I had to stop crying and make myself ok.I was fine in the car.I got to the supermarket-got what I needed then went to the checkout counter.

There is a lovely woman I usually chat with there on the counter and I’m feeling happy to see her.Till she says ‘Hi Jules-how are you today?You look a bit stressed honey’….and eff it-I just broke down.In public no less.I’d rather walk over hot coals or be ….well-let’s not even go there-LOL.I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.She was so kind to me and that just made it even worse.I just wanted to crawl under a rock somewhere and hide.

I drove home and wandered around my house not knowing what to do with myself and all I could think was-drink it away.Just drink.If this is what being sober means for the rest of my life then I don’t want it.I just don’t.I cannot live like this.I’m turning into a mental person.This is not who I am and well-it just scares me.I have never been so out of control of my emotions.Ever.

So-I got back in my car and drove to the wine shop.I didn’t care.I just wanted to stop feeling.I walked in-bought a cheap bottle of red wine and walked out.I had to cross an intersection to get back to my car and the lights were green so I’m standing there waiting, bottle of wine in my bag and another voice in my head(there seems to be a few these days-LOL) says-Jules-what are you doing?What are you DOING?’ and I’m trying to answer this, watching the cars whizz by in front of me and all I can come up with is-‘I just want to die’ and I break down all over again.In public.Again.

I cannot believe this is me.I just can’t.I don't really want to die.I just want the pain to stop.Now.Today.this minute....And then…..the anger kicks in.I am so f*cking mad-at myself at this addiction-at what I feel it’s reduced me to even after the sober time Ive celebrated recently and I can barely contain myself.

The lights change and I cross the road and without giving it a second thought I take the wine out of my bag and throw it(a little too forcefully) into the trash bin outside the shops.It didn't smash but I don't think I'd have cared if it did.

I walked to my car and cried all the way home.Hugged my dog when I got in the door and well…here I am.Still wondering what’s good about being sober?Being like this? I’m still crying and I just want it to stop.I cant stand it, I can’t stand myself, but I didn’t drink.I almost did-but I didn’t.And I feel nothing good about that right now.I just feel a terrible sense of loss I don’t even understand.

I’m sorry to monopolise your time so much lately.But I can’t be alone.I’ll never make it otherwise.I don't even know what I want or need.I just had to get this out.

Thank you for getting though this.

Julesxox