My husband is in inpatient for crack right now. We have been together for a little over three years. He has been a crack addict for 18 years and an alcoholic for 29 years. He is only 39 years old. He has wanted to be clean the whole time we have been together, and perhaps even longer than that. But as long as he thought he could do it on his own (having me control his money, tried outpatient with my help to get there, etc.) he didn't get anywhere but more frustrated with himself.
He finally decided (completely on his own) that he needed inpatient treatment (outside help from professionals) to recover. He's been clean now for 17 days. He says that the fog is just starting to lift and he has realized that he didn't get it when he went to AA/NA in the past, and he didn't get it when he went to outpatient treatment. But now he finally gets it. He said if he takes just one drink he will be right back where he started or worse. He said he realizes now he will have to work on his recovery every day for the rest of his life.
The most important thing is that he had to get here on his own without any help whatsoever from me. And this is still no guarantee that he will stay clean once he gets out. But everyone is right. The only thing you can do is be supportive. If he comes to you and says he wants to quit, suggest treatment. Have the phone book ready, maybe even some places he can call.
But until he reaches that point, start focusing on you and what you want and what you need and what you feel without thinking of him. Read the book "Codenpendent No More" by Melodie Beatty.