Spycekat

Thanks to you all for your replies. I still don't know quite what I'm doing on this. I dont know how to work all of this. But I wanted to give a little more detail about my addiction.

Well, I'm 25 now, & started using hydros for recreation only. There was one time both of my exs died & he gave me two bottles of hydros both containing 100 each. I took them for fun & after a year & the 200 were gone, I had no problems coming off of them at ALL.

Well, from the ages of 20-24 I kept using them on occasion, just whever they were available, never had the urge to use unless they were around me.

November 2007 is when my world started to fall apart. I was 25, have a history of abusing meth, coke & other drugs for short periods of times & drinking mountain dew heavily.. plus smoking.

I got scared straight with all of these other drugs, by Od'ing & getting "scared straight" from all of them. Coke is the hardest drug to overcome & I had NO problems whatsoever.

But I can't seem to scare myself straight with hydros.

So November 2007 I developed an abscess of my left second to last molar. He fed me Tylenol #3 for weeks & antibiotics trying to get rid of the abscess. Weeks later, he said everything looked good & he put a cap over it.

Minutes later after walking in my house, I was in my room in the fetal position screaming my lungs out. We went back & the dentist popped my cap open & all of this pus started squirting out. My BF almost fainted. He said, "ok we need to leave this open so it can drain out" The cap the dentist put on made my abscess put pressure against it & that's why I was in so much pain.

Then he started feeding my hydros all of the time. I came back weekly, only to get a new script & more antibiotics.

By this time it was January & I couldn't take it anymore. I work am a medical professional & finally went upstairs to a dentist who was in my building & couldn't believe his eyes. He said "that needs to come out right away"

So, I went to Oral Surgery & got it yanked out. It was horrible. It was violently taken out. Again I was fed hydros. I developed dry socket SEVERELY. I kept calling, asking for pain medicine almost every other day.

Pretty soon they told me, "no more narcotics"

So I was like ok, great. So then I started jumping from doctor to doctor, to ER to ER to get pain relief... & it worked! I kept getting hydros all of the time. Nobody suspected a thing. I was even jumping from pharmacy to pharmacy making sure they didn't catch me. In the interim, I would even find some from the streets :-(

So after that grueling ordeal I thought everything was ok. Then in February I started developing severe pain on my right bottom second to last molar. I went to a different dentist who hardly looked at me & said "you have an abscess, here's antibiotics & 7.5 hydros." I was like great, here we go again.

He then put a silver, generic looking "bottle cap thing" on top of it so I could try to eat. Well, again I was in agonizing pain. I kept calling & calling & they told me to wait until my next appointment.

So again, I went back upstairs where I work & they found out the the dentist stuck a metal piece inside my gum, like a knife stabbing me. So they pulled it out & gave me more pain meds.

So after weeks & weeks of being fed antibiotics & hydros, he finally decided to give me the root canal, (by the way I WAS NOT NUMB) & he did not believe me. Then he put a beautiful EXPENSIVE crown over the top of it.

I was so excited that I got a new molar! It was so beautiful!!! But after the days went on, I was still experiencing pain. I kept calling them back complaining, & they kept giving me hydros.

After about a month, they began to get suspicious, so they cut me off & told me to come in. I went in, the dentist BARELY even looked in my mouth & told me to "give it time & take Motrin"

So I did. But I noticed that I could hardley eat hard food anymore. My dry socket on the left was too tender to eat, & this crown he had put on me was killing me. I just couldn't understand what I was doing wrong.

So again, I went upstairs where I work for a 2nd opinion & AGAIN he said that I needed it pulled out. But I didn't want to so I went to a endodologist (root canal savers) & she said the same thing. She said that the dentist who did the root canal used a "screw type" post & didn't clean out the rest of my infection. She said that he had cracked (perforated) so many areas of my tooth that if she were to try to get the post out, she would ruin it even more by pulling back on it & shredding it.

Once again, I was referred to oral surgery. I was heart broken. I had spent thousands of dollars getting this root canal & crown, only to have it get pulled out. And again, I developed dry socket. And again, I kept calling & calling asking for more pain meds.

When they cut me off again, I went back to doctors, walk-in clinics & ER's multiple times. By this time, I was taking way more than prescribed. Probably 5 a day, instead of 2 at night. This is when my addiction began.

So in June I started seeing the dentist where I work. He developed a huge treatment plan for me & gave me hydros every so often to deal with the agonizing pain before my next appointment.

He was doing a great job! He said my front teeth needed to be fixed immediately, (there were was holes in them, black crap) but those weren't the ones that were hurting me! But he suggested we get these ones fixed anyway, & again fed me more hydros.

I called back a couple days later & asked to be seen again as an emergency. This time, it was my far back right molar. He again, recommended that I save the money from saving a tooth that had a poor prognosis & get this one pulled out.

I was STILL suffering from dry socket with the other one, & got the one next to it pulled out. AGain, I got dry socket & called over & over again for pain meds.

Also, kept doing my "doctor shopping" in the interim when it was too soon to ask the dentist for more. So during my 2 year anniversary hotel stay with my BF, I was in the worst pain ever. My pain meds had run out & I was just the worst person to be around. It ruined my whole vacation with him.

This is when my life hit rock bottom. In November 2007, I weight approximately 105-108 lbs at 5'1".

Now in June, I dwindled down to 92 lbs because I just could not eat. I went to the ER for this many time because I felt so week & I kept throwing up & was just miserable. Of course, they couldn't do anything for me.

Also, during a boating-outing, I slipped & pretty much broke my leg. Again, at the ER, I was provided with more hydros & when I would run out I'd go from Dr. to Dr. asking for more.

THENNNN on top of that!!!! I started to get severe tooth pain on my upper right very back molar. I called my dentist frantically & said "get me to oral surgery now!"

He said that he doesn't want me to get it out until I can be seen. He was also suspicious that I might have a sinus infection, given my ear was killing me as well.

So I went to my ear doctor, he fed me hydros & gave me antibiotics. He thought it really was my tooth.

So again, I went to my dentist & he agreed that it needed to be pulled out. So I did, & got rx'd to oxy's since I had a long hx of using hydros. Those were great, I didn't need to take as many as I had to take the hydros.

But after the weeks, my socket didn't dry up & I was feeling good. Except for my severe ear pain. AGAIN I went to the ER & they said I might have a tube dysfunction, gave me hydros & told me to see an ear specialist.

I went & saw him & he thought my ears were perfect. He was suspicious of lock jaw.

So now, I am addicted to hydros & everyone has cut me off. Sometimes I still go from doctor to doctor just to get a fix & sometimes I would buy them from the street, which where I live is just impossible.

Now, I'm trying so hard to have my old life back. I don't want to be on these pills. I'm too scared to tell anybody because I am a medical professional. I feel so heavy, I can barely get out of bed. I can't have no sexual interest in my BF unless I'm on hydro's.. I pretty much have no interest in doing ANYTHING unless I'm on hydro's. Even on hydro's I still didn't want to do anything except just sit there & stare.

Today, I can take up to 15 5/500 mg hydros a day. Sadly, I'm 92 lbs & I can take 5 pills at a time to get the same experience I used to. Every day I was using 15 pills a day.

Now, I'm trying to cut myself off. I want my normal life back. I want to have fun with life & fun with sex like I used to. Now I'm just a numb zombie who still is in a lot of pain in my ear.

I constantly think about the high & how bad I want it. I won't let my BF touch me anymore because I'm just not in the mood.

I also have a long history of anxiety/depression for which I'm on Zoloft & Clonazepam. I have told my shrink about my pill addiction & he thinks that it will go away on it's own. The thing is, he doesn't know exactly how much I REALLY have been taking. I'm too scared to tell anybody.

I just don't know what to do. I'm lost & confused & sometimes feel like dying is the best way out :-(