Codependence At Its Best
So after spending an evening scrambling to sell things on Ebay for bill money, begging my parents for money to pay my mortgage and feeling like a loser for saying "This is the last time" (yeah right, they might as well have said), thanking God for the holiday tomorrow--not because it's a holiday, but because utility companies are closed and they won't shut off my utilities--
I actually find myself feeling sorry for my AH who is out at a bar. I see this man who used to be handsome and sheepish and hysterically funny, who has turned into this bloated Elvis cliche lumbering around a bar trying to fit in. People laugh at him behind his back--and to his face--he sees this doesn't he? This man who used to literally carry me over puddles now calls me horrible names and steps over me and laughs when I cry. I no longer am in love with this man who I beg to go away forever and leave us in peace almost every morning after the drunken nights, who replies with a simple, "No." I am happier when he is out than when he is home, no longer care about where he goes or who he is with and only really care about his drinking because I experience the consequences of his choices. But I still feel sorry for him?
How can I feel sorry for a person who (I allow) treats me this way, knows his sons could be homeless if not for my parents and knows his wife, who would love to be relaxing and watching a movie, rather than hocking memories to strangers for money and eating peanut butter sandwiches every night so her sons can have meat and fish, while he goes to dinner and drinks with friends? Man oh man!
I guess the first step is recognizing this? Thanks for letting me vent.