His actions are telling you what he's doing, not his words. If his version of recovery is not your idea of recovery, then it's not. Is it something you can live with and have the kind of life you want for yourself? If not, what do you need to do to get the kind of life you want? Your ADULT sons may not talk to you? Why do you think that? And, if that's the case, are they controlling your life and your decisions? Are they going to live with the consequences (go or bad) of the way you choose to live your life? Are they living their own lives?
For me, identifying my anger and resentments was a first step. The next was, were those things something, once I understood them, I could live with and let go or were they deal breakers for me? For me, they were deal breakers, then the question was, how was I going to get the life I wanted for me in a sane and confident way? For me it was writing here, therapy, Alanon and NA meetings - along with friends and family. Being open and honest about what I had been living with and listening to suggestions, even if there were times when those suggestions didn't make sense or things I didn't want to hear (at the time).
I wanted so much for someone to tell me what to do, that I was justified, all sorts of things, but as time went on and I kept plugging away at working on my own life, I found it easier and more comfortable making decisions for myself and living with those decisions as mine.
You will get there, it just takes time. Time is the biggest thing to give yourself, time when you are actively working on you. Your answer will come when you are ready!