In my opinion, the conflict that is created by the countless arguments serves as kind of a deflection of the primary issue.
My ex-spouse always seemed oddly relieved when we would argue as then it became an issue between him and I whereas the real issue of alcohol was between him and him and my issue of dealing with the alcoholism was between me and me.
I think theotherone described the actual mechanics really well. That's just what I did as well although it is NOT EASY. I found the holidays and family gatherings most difficult. I had a lot of difficulty getting over the anger too. Eventually we split up.
Now that 10 years have passed my ex-spouse and I get along fine. He's still not in recovery but my husband and I have had him over for holidays etc several times as it just seemed like the right thing to do. I see him more as a victim of a disease now.
Now I am dealing with my son and his alcohol issues so I have to brush up on these techniques I had sort of forgotten about.
This week I've decided to stop trying to tell my son what to do to solve his problems! Someone told me in another thread that MOM = masking tape on mouth....LOL!