HK..... thank you. I totally see where you are coming from. It's what I've learned big time to take from this experience. Why i can not do it with my partner, my man, I have no idea. I'm taking the lessons and teachings to find out why. I feel so drained after seeing him. I feel like I was doing really well just a few days leading up to it..... and now bam.... I'm just so heavy, over tired, and drained.
Anvil.... I don't even know how to respond to what you wrote. A part of me wishes or actually a lot of me wishes I had as much courage. I look back on this relationship and I can see now how the disease of addiction has just totally taken over me. The only way I can step in and be on his same level with all of this, is by coming down to the irrationality of the addiction. This is not him..... but it is him right now. His story of how it all unfolded.... he told me last night that he said the reason why I was upset is because after about 9 days or so of him using and being sober that I wasn't trusting him (before he moved out).... that I was holding him/relationship hostage. He doesn't even have the timeline and/or the events down right.
Well.... he didn't off himself last night..... THANK GOD.... but he did head on up back to the mountains. It was such a drama filled night with a shared friend trying to help him as she was concerned about his mental state, as well. Last I heard was that he was sleeping there until 1pm...... but was told he could stay there for a few days to sober up. Who knows if he does it. I really feel as though I'm the hostage now. THIS DISEASE takes us all hostage!!!!! But that is our choice isn't it?
Chino...... my answer to that question is..... yes.
I feel broken and sick from this. I feel as though I'll never forgive myself if he does OD or commit suicide ..... when all I had to say was come home... and lets give it another round...... regardless of the risk of my sanity.
That is who I am... I am a co-dependent. I will put his feelings ahead of mine.... and what ticks me off the most is that I am allowing that disease to run/ruin me. When i get strong and want to protect myself, it's because I'm fighting that damn disease... that 3 headed dragon - the monster.
I'm so spent.