(((JMF))))
Don't go beating yourself up over this. The fact that you know this exchange is wrong for you, is good.
IT IS HARD! As parents it can go against an innate response. Its the same one that wants us to grab our child if they are crossing the street in front of a car. It is our first gut instinct to want to protect.
It takes reprogramming ourselves mentally to begin to STOP before we react and REALLY LOOK at what help and protection looks like, not what it feels like.
Another reason it is SOOOO hard is that they have learned over the years to work us to get what they want. They know all their excuses for why the need money from us are lies and manipulation but at that time, they have one goal and it's not to take care of us but to take care of themselves and their addiction.
I had a counselor once ask me, " How could your son possibly take the time to care about how this is affecting you when you have spent so many years teaching him that his needs come first.?"
So we have to begin to show them that we matter, but THEY WILL FIGHT IT! It's their natural instinct to protect what works for them.
I have learned it helps when my son asks me for something to never answer right away. I tell him I have to think about it, I will call him tomorrow. If he pushes it, I tell him the answer will be no and that I have to go now.
This gives me time away from my first reaction of doing what might make him happy, and gives me time to LOOK at what he really needs, not what he wants.
It also keeps me from starting the lecturing ( absolutely non-productive with him) and stops me from looking at possible bargaining strategies. ( If I do this for you will you stop . . . ?)
Sometimes I decide the answer is yes but sometimes it's no. But It stops my second guessing every decision.
But again, I still can make the wrong choices. I am far from perfect. Nothing about any of this could ever feel perfect. Sometimes it feels successful, and even good, sometimes its struggling and painful, but because I have learned so much, I want to move myself forward.
hugs, :praying