View Single Post
Old 08-18-2008, 03:59 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Abundance
Member
 
Abundance's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Callie.... LOL...... An Anvil clone! Ya know.... her foot is so up my arse..... but I really see it all in hindsight still.

I just felt that if I didn't see him last night I wasn't being true to myself. I'm really okay..... I'm detached in the most loving way. Yeah... I guess my actions aren't totally showing it. But man I do feel in a better place than I did just a few days ago. I've really let go in regards to believing the words. For me now, it's holding onto his actions. He has got to show actions. He was telling me last night that in order to do all these actions he needs to living here, well...... that is addict mindset.... and not an RA mindset. I know the difference now!

He says in one breath that he knows he has said it all before, but *this time* is different, but then in the other than he can't do it unless he is under this roof. WTF? NO! That is not OKAY. It is not okay with me. Does it mean I don't love him? NO...... It means that I have to see it now to believe it. So... if he is really serious about this then he will take the steps to prove his self-worth to me. I'm too old for this Bull $#%@! How could I look my boys in the eyes and rear them right after the wrong he has done me and take him back without proving himself to me first?

I actually even talked with them today about forgiveness. That it's okay to forgive..... but not lose your self respect in doing so. They actually got it.

Seriously, this is not rocket science. We learned all of this in kindergarten! Common decency and respect. He is just a few days clean and is not thinking straight. Am I scared that he may not feel the same about me when he is clean? That maybe he doesn't want me anymore when he is sober. Meh... maybe? But I'm not going to sacrifice myself and my boys on that fear. It's future tripping anyway. I know what we have is special.... but I've also reached my threshold with this damn disease! I know too much about it now.

I felt that me seeing him and telling him this face to face instead of text messaging and so forth..... is what *I* needed to do for me.

Anyway..... he has not changed his numbers that I know of.... and if he is going to act like a grounded 14 year old sulky child about it...... then it just shows me..... A. he is full of $#%^....... or B. he still has not hit his bottom.

He lied to me THREE times in 6 days. THAT IS NOT OKAY!
Abundance is offline